Gulf of Ohio

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THE GULF OF CLEVELAND

Cleveland City Council has renamed part of Lake Erie the “Gulf of Cleveland,” proving once again that geography is merely politics with water in it.

The new gulf extends across the city’s shoreline and two miles into the lake—or into the gulf, as municipal employees must now presumably call it. The emergency resolution declares the name permanent, directs city departments to use it in official documents and asks Apple and Google to update their maps.

It took fifteen minutes and cost nothing, which already makes it one of the more efficient government projects in Cleveland history.

Councilman Kris Harsh introduced the measure after President Trump renamed the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America” and Lake Ontario “Lake America.” Harsh’s resolution borrows the same logic: If powerful men can rename ancient bodies of water by decree, why shouldn’t Cleveland get wet?

Critics complained that Lake Erie is not a gulf. They are correct, but they have misunderstood the rules. Under the new American geography, a body of water is whatever the last politician with a Sharpie says it is.

Harsh insists the resolution is satire. This became necessary to explain because satire now looks exactly like government policy. He crossed “Lake Erie” off a map, wrote in the new name and waited to see whether the world’s technology companies would obey. The joke is that they might.

Still, Cleveland should embrace its promotion. A gulf sounds warmer than a lake. It suggests beaches, palm trees and drinks served inside hollowed-out fruit. “Gulf-effect snow” also has a pleasantly tropical quality, right up until it buries your car.

For now, Lake Erie remains Lake Erie everywhere beyond Cleveland’s paperwork and Councilman Harsh’s Sharpie. But the Gulf of Cleveland has already accurately charted the distance between absurdity and authority.

These days, it is about two miles wide.

Scarlet Letter Trivia

Lake Erie is the shallowest of the Great Lakes. What is its average depth?

A. 32 feet
B. 62 feet
C. 162 feet
D. 262 feet

BARCELONA TURNS 30

Barcelona Restaurant & Bar is celebrating 30 years in German Village with special dinners, tastings and receptions throughout October and November.

The Spanish- and Mediterranean-inspired restaurant opened in 1996 and was purchased by current owner Scott Heimlich in 2002. Over three decades, Barcelona estimates it has welcomed 1.5 million guests and opened roughly 6,000 bottles of wine each year.

Its home at 259 and 263 E. Whittier St. has an even longer history. The two buildings have served as a saloon, recreation center, pharmacy, grocery store, and neighborhood gathering place. Barcelona has preserved reminders of that past, including exposed brick, an original tin ceiling, and a historic oak bar.

Some things haven’t changed: the Barcelona Paella and Pastel de Chocolate have remained on the menu since opening day. The paella is now the restaurant’s bestselling dish—further evidence that a good recipe may be the secret to surviving three decades in the restaurant business.

OHIO’S CRAFT-BEER BOOM LOSES ITS HEAD

For more than a decade, Ohio treated an empty warehouse, a chalkboard menu and six aggressively named IPAs as a complete business plan.

For a while, it worked.

The number of craft breweries operating nationwide nearly doubled from 4,803 in 2015 to a peak of 9,796 in 2024. Ohio became one of the centers of the boom, filling former factories, garages and storefronts with taprooms—and giving every neighborhood somewhere to order a flight from a bartender with extensive forearm tattoos.

The market has now begun requesting additional details.

The national brewery count fell to 9,578 in 2025, its first significant contraction in decades. Only 300 breweries opened while 481 closed. Craft-beer production declined 4%, and six out of every 10 breweries produced less beer than the year before.

Ohio is feeling the correction. Brewery closings exceeded openings in the state for the first time in 2025. Central Ohio has lost Granville Brewing, Walking Distance Brewing in Marysville, Trek Brewing in Newark and several BrewDog taprooms. Nocterra recently closed its locations in Powell and at Scioto Audubon Metro Park.

It isn’t simply that Ohioans have finally encountered every possible combination of hops.

Americans are drinking less. Gallup reports that just 54% of adults now say they drink alcohol, matching a record low. Younger adults have led the decline, while beer competes with cocktails, seltzers, THC beverages and an expanding selection of drinks designed to resemble alcohol without producing any of its regrettable decisions.

Costs have also climbed. Brewers face expensive ingredients, cans, equipment and labor. Small Ohio breweries say the state’s restrictive distributor agreements make adapting even harder, prompting an effort to revise the law through Senate Bill 23.

The keg is not empty. Ohio still has more than 400 craft breweries, produces nearly 1.3 million barrels annually, and ranks fourth nationally in craft-beer production. Columbus-based Garage Beer has grown into one of the country’s largest craft brands.

But the easy-growth years are over. Making good beer is no longer enough when good beer is everywhere. The survivors will need strong brands, sensible expansion plans, and reasons for customers to return after photographing the mural.

Ohio’s craft-beer revolution succeeded beyond anyone’s expectations. Its problem is that everybody joined it.

MAC, CHEESE AND A GOOD CAUSE

The Columbus Mac & Cheese Festival returns to The Yard at Easton from 4–7:30 p.m. Friday, Sept. 25.

Now in its ninth year, the festival brings together local restaurants competing for the coveted title of Best Mac & Cheese in Columbus—a distinction carrying considerable prestige and, presumably, considerable lactose.

The event attracts more than 2,000 people annually and has raised over $591,000 for the Adolescent and Young Adult Cancer Program at the OSUCCC–James. Guests can enjoy local mac and cheese, live music and the satisfaction of supporting young cancer patients and their families.

Get tickets for the Columbus Mac & Cheese Festival.

Answer: B — 62 feet.

Despite covering 9,910 square miles, Lake Erie contains less water than any other Great Lake. Its shallow western basin averages only 24 feet deep, and water remains in the lake for approximately 2.6 years—the shortest retention time in the Great Lakes system.

Apparently, becoming the Gulf of Cleveland did not earn it a deep end.